Saskia's Stagette

Well, last night was a blast!!! (and my sore head this morning is certainly proof). Here are some select photos from the night...

Anyone Seen My Motivation?

Lost

One slightly used sense of motivation

Last seen while writing finals in spring 2005

Un-confirmed reports of sighting during summer 2005

IF FOUND

Please return to desperatestudent@wheredidyougo.com

I've been searching everywhere, and I just can't seem to find that sense of motivation needed to get back into school. I'm getting things done that need to get done, but I am not feeling the urgency I felt last year. Maybe that's a good thing?

I know I should be more stressed out - more focused some how, but it's just not coming to me naturally.

Where did that go?

But more to the point... is it important that I find it?

Forcing Down Time

This morning I wrote what could turn out to be my worst exam to date.
I studied 11 hours in total for this Financial Management exam. It doesn't seem to have done me much good.

We went in, sat down and the exam started. By question 3 I was guessing. 51 multiple questions in all. At the 15 minutes out mark, I was only at question 35. I skipped to some of the later questions dealing with equations and worked on those, and then time was up. That was it. How can anyone rightfully expect student to have 1 minute per question when you have to do calculations for most of the questions!?!? It's utterly ridiculous!!!

So, I am reasonably confident I failed. Which leaves me wondering what happens if I actually fail this class. Will I need to do an evening class next term to make it up?

Needless to say - afterwards I was numb from the stress and frustration.

I worked hard all day on other courses, and try my best not think about this slaughter. And I'm going to try to just move on - but its tough.

When I finally got home tonight (long day) I just couldn't face doing more work. So, I decided to take a little forced down time. I curled up on my couch with tunes playing, rain pounding outside and a great brainless book in my lap. What Utter Luxury!!!!! It was just what the doctor ordered. And I've discovered the phenomena of "post novel bliss" - basically the warm satisfaction of sitting down and reading a novel straight through. Heaven!!

The book was called "The Undomestic Goddess" by Sophie Kinsella (a la Shopaholic books). Its about this high power lawyer who 'loses' her way, and ends up finding herself. True ChicLit, and perfect. I would highly recommend taking a night out like this every once and a while.

Here my go to crazy town...

It hit me with a big 'ol whollop today.

I am half way through my term. We have a shit load of work to do... and it needs to all get done in the next 2 months. And there is only 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week. On top of that I need to get moving on my sponsorship position and start making contact with potential sponsors.

CRAZINESS!!!

At 5pm tonight .. maybe 4:45... it hit me... and I almost started hyper-ventilating.

We were in class at the time. So I turned to Amy and said... I am freaking ... we have so much to do... and her eyes spread into saucers and she said she was totally paniking too!! So, at least I am not alone.

After class we both hyper-ventilated together, and then went for a workout. I felt a little better after running on the eliptical for 20 mins... there's something soothing about sweat dripping down your body. Its primal... so nice to be physical instead of cerebral for a while.

But it wasn't enough. We played volleyball for an hour.... that helped. Hitting balls hard is a great thing.

So now I am back to a "comfortable stress level"... and I am gripping onto this with a death grip. Losing it now would be a very bad bad thing.

Colliding Perceptions

Recently I've been spending a lot of time in my head.

Maybe its my way of hiding from school and my workload... but its also a direct reaction to things that school is bringing up.

I am beginning to really realize that my perception of myself, that what I portray to others is quite divergent. I've always seen myself as horribly shy, awkward, a little socially inept, and well... not the brightest of the bunch. And of course, over the years I have emerged a bit from that persona... but I guess I've still been holding onto that "feeling".

Then over the last while I've started listening to what people say about me. Most recently, on friday night at the pub people were mentioning how outgoing I am. Curious.

If I sit back and think about ... I absolutely can see their perspective. And I think its people on the outside, rather than myself that are right! What an insight!

Just Can't Shake This Feeling

I've had a lot of conversations lately about relationships. A ton of my friends are just starting up new ones, and we've been pondering what the right and wrong way to approach things are. When I state that I am going to come out and be straight with people around me that I like - they all jump up and tell me not to. Say that if I do, it puts the ball in the other person's court and gives them the power in the relationship. Are they right?

I've just been pondering so many questions about this whole thing. And I feel like I am going to burst at the seems if I don't get them out!

Its always been my way to see something I want, and to go after it. I would rather know the outcome than wait around feeling anxious and nervous, and wondering "what if". And granted, that approach hasn't worked out that great for me in the recent past. But is guarding my gut reaction and natural actions better than just going with them and hoping that eventually someone will come along that can handle that?

How do you get rid of feelings and attractions that you just shouldn't have? For the last couple of weeks I have been desperately trying to convince myself that I'm fooling myself, or that I'm just better off ignoring it all. So I try, and I pretend, and then *poof* I'm reminded again.

I know that I can be intimidating in numerous ways. Do I intimidate guys? Should I try not to? Recently 2 comments were made about me that I find intriguing. (1) I seem confident with who I am and am comfortable in that (2) that I am like 'one of the guys.' Both of these statements are probably quite true. I have worked extremely hard to be who I am today, and, so yes I'm pretty comfortable in my skin. But maybe this is too much for people to handle? AND is being one of the guys a deterant for guys seeing me as 'an available girl'? I used to revel in my tomboyness... but not I'm a little concerned its standing in my way.

But the biggest questions of all are...
How do I just chill out again?
How do I have conversations with my friends with out it stirring in me a deeper need?
How do I refocus myself on the things that are available to me - rather than focusing on the things that are currently out of reach or taken?

How?

hello lovely body - I know you're in there somewhere!

Bootycamp continues...

On wednesday I had my first set of measurements taken - not as bad as I was expecting, but not as good as I was secretly hoping!

Its going to take me 4 months to reach my target in a healthy way. That will make it January when I finally get to see my body back. I can't wait to rediscover all those lovely clothes I have hidden away.

Pretty exciting! (although, I would prefer much much faster results but I also want them to stick around!).

The target?
Lose... 13% body fat - which should result in about 20 lbs, depending on how much muscle I gain. Which should also translate into a drop of maybe 2 dress sizes.

Mmmm... I am getting excited just thinking about it.
Now I just need to keep it up and stick with the program =)

Here's my begining point:

Breakfast club = Bootcamp

Well, yesterday morning I got my weary body out of bed at 5:50am, put on my new gear from Lotuswear and drove out to school.

And what was I doing going to school at such a g-d aweful early hour?

Excercise

I've decided to subject myself to a class at school called the "Breakfast Club" - we've termed it bootcamp. I'll be out at school to get my ass kicked into shape every monday, wednesday and friday morning.

Good Times

While I was cursing it at the time (on friday we did a mix of laps around the gym, jumping, throwing big balls at each other, sit ups, push ups, lunges, etc) I actually really enjoyed it. What I am not enjoying today is walking around soooooo sooo soo sore.

Dang... bootcamp really means work your booty.

But, in the end its going to be a good thing.

So, here are my stats as of Oct 1:
Heart rate
resting heartrate is 84 bpm;
excercising it peaked at 180 bpm, but was usually around 168 bpm.

Sit ups = 20

Push ups = 8

Weight = 198 lbs

bMI = 26.1

So, there's work to be done... I'll record my progress every so often.