Not According to Plan

This is not the life I wanted.

I do not want to be afraid of leaving my house because i don't know how bad my guts will be.
I do not want to always 'think' before acting.
I do not want to make plans, then feel too aweful to follow through on them.
I do not want people thinking I use my illness as an excuse, 'cause believe me I would rather be out having fun.
I do not want to take an hour to just pump myself up to go to the grocery store, and then come home exhausted.
I do not want to constantly explain myself, or feel like I have to.
I do not want to spend every single day uncomfortable and feeling gross.
I do not want to be alone.

I am so sick and tired of being a shell of the person I once was, and know I can be again.
I am so sick and tired of finally thinking that things may be on the up swing and then finding them falling back down.

Really, I'm just plum ol' tired.

And I'm tired of people not understanding... and of people just giving up on me. I get why you do that - honestly I do... but its sad because I can not help having this stupid fucking illness. I AM trying to get better.

I have a fantastic vision of how I want my life to be.
I know I can achieve it.
I'm just not sure how.

Remembering Enid

Today is October 7th...

It's my grandmother, Enid Wadsworth's birthday... she would have been 80 today.

Isn't it strange - all day my grandma has been on my mind. I would look at things that would remind me of her, or memories of times together would just randomly pop into my head. And I didn't realize, until just moments ago when my mom's step-brother called to say that he thought he would call to say HI and to say he was sending out warm thoughts, why she was so "present" today.

My grandmother was an amazing woman - and had the biggest heart I've ever known. She was brave enough to endure and then leave a tumultuous marriage. She found the love of her life when she was mid-life - and she stood by this man, almost 20 years her senior - through thick and thin. She kept all her children connected... and scolded them when they were misbehaving, even as adults. She learned to use a computer in her 60s, volunteered, took up painting, and had a group of gals who she spent many days with. She adopted stray animals by the dozens.

I hope where-ever she is that she knows we miss her, but are happy. That we are all safe, and wearing warm clothes on chilly nights. I hope she knows she inspired me.